What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?

No it's only Tesco. I hate this shop with a passion tempered only by need - it's the only food shop of any consequence in my small home town other than a poorly stocked Spar which cohabits with the Post Office which itself used to occupy far more salubrious premises. It's the world domination that gets my goat, that and the fact that it drove the Co-op with its lovely cuddly ethics, Handybank and fond memories of my childhood out of town.

I only go in there when I can't wait till I do the weekly shop at Sainsbury's in the neighbouring town. Today I couldn't wait for a loaf of bread and a couple of packets of crisps (Yes you could! Scream my hips, but I digress) so I nipped in on the way back from dialysis. Cheese & Onion crisps are a little treat I award myself when I get home from a Saturday dialysis and I nosh 'em down with a large cup of strong tea as soon as I get home. Technically I should have them while I'm on the machine as they are laden with potassium (presumably the potassium puts the pot in potato, man) but somehow I just don't fancy them at 8 o'clock in the morning.

So there I am with my loaf of Kingsmill and my crisps fighting my way through the Poles, Portuguese, Latvians and Lithuanians (PPLL) who always seem to inhabit Tesco's like it was the United Nations Assembly and I'm trying to find a till that isn't too busy. I get cut up twice at the 5 items or less and I hurrumph off to a more promising regular checkout. When my turn comes I think to myself that I'll just stuff the crisps in my handbag and carry the loaf, should earn me an extra clubcard point seeing that I didn't use one of their bags at the checkout. My total comes to £1.56 and I duly hand over a £10 note along with my Clubcard which happens to be a Clubcard Plus and proves to be my undoing.

At this point I suppose I should clarify how I can hate Tesco's and possess a Clubcard Plus at the same time. It's all down to economics and making my measly junior civil servant salary go a little further. I pay £100 into the account every month and I get interest on the balance (not a lot) and double points for every £ I spend on the card. I'm spending the money there anyway so why not make it work hard for my difficult to uphold principles. Plus Barclays give me precisely nothing in return for trusting my money to them each month - zip, zero, nada, which is also why I use a credit card for all my other purchases and pay it off each month ... salary goes in, big cheque comes out. Cripes I'm even saving them money on the bank statement ink.

Anyhoo nice, if slightly bewildered lady behind the till slides a slip of paper towards me and asks me to sign. I say I don't need to sign anything, you've got my £10 note in your other hand. She of course looks at it and appears surprised to see it. I look closer at the slip of paper and it says that I have £8.44 cashback due to me as well. I query this and she, still holding my tenner, says no that's what you're paying, £8.44, I say that's an awfully expensive loaf of bread. She gives me the tenner back but doesn't seem to comprehend what's going on so I try to explain what I think has happened which is that she hit the Cashback key and punched in £10 so now the till thinks it should debit £10 from my account and give £8.44 change. She doesn't comprehend and insists that she's done everything right. After much to-ing and fro-ing in this fashion she decides to cancel the whole transaction and put it all through again so I give her the food and she rings it up again. This time it comes to £3.12 so I say that I've now been charged double. She says that can't be because she cancelled it all and that will be £3.12 please. I'm getting a little exasperated by this point but I'm proud to say that I was able to maintain a tolerant and pleasant front, I'm even being very British and apologising to the queue that has built up behind me. She has the brainwave of calling over a supervisor. Finally.

The supervisor comes over and she can't make out what the problem is until I point out that I was trying to pay with cash, and thankfully, pun intended, the penny drops. She explains to the cashier what I have been trying to tell her all along and we finally get it all sorted out to my satisfaction ... with the exception being that I didn't get my measly extra point for not using a bag!