I've been working on a little playette for your amusement for several days now, well not exactly days, a couple of hours here and there, you know. Anyway I've been been meaning for ages to tell you all about the dialogue that goes on day in day out at the dialysis unit in the mornings which is nigh on predictable. Truth is, playwriting seemed to be a doddle when I was teenager, but the sheer mechanics of this dialogue lark is taking some time so I've decided to present an unfinished version. You see the whole point was to say, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Urea?" And then provide the answer which is to Have A Kidney Transplant.
I'm having one. Next Tuesday, June 17th. Eeep.
So now, for one week only, here it is in all its truncated glory (and maybe I will explore the chararacters further for you at a later date. Or maybe not. Who knows? Who cares? I'm having a kidney transplant!):
D R A M A T I S...P E R S O N A E
The Patients
Calamity Jane (Our Hapless Heroine)
Mortimer (Master of the Dark)
Carrie (Baker of Cakes)
Ralf (Mucously Challenged)
Dieter (Mr Fidget)
Molly (Ninja Bingo Granny)
Dora (The Knitter)
Daffyd (The Gourmand)
Don (The Strong Silent Type)
Kevin (Denial Central)
Fred (The Epitome of Patience
The Staff
Sister Mac (Fountain of All Knowledge)
Sister Sailor (The Mighty Atom)
Staff Nurse Cook (Thomas' More Traveled Sister)
Staff Nurse Wynn (Lover of Fine Wines)
Others
Ron (Carrie's Brother)
Snorkel (The Cleaner)
Bed 8 (Bed of Doom)
ACT 1
(07:30 AM, a hospital ward. All the Patients except Calamity Jane and Carrie are seated on their hospital bed-chairs. Miscellaneous beeping, swooshing and mechanical noises can be heard. Staff can be seen bending over patients attending to their needs.
Calamity Jane enters stage left)
CALAMITY JANE: Morning everyone!
(a staggered chorus of "morning Jane" begins from everyone in the room)
DAFFYD: Morning Jane. Late again eh?
CALAMITY JANE: Well not really Daffyd, you know the unit doesn't actually open until 7:30. I don't see the point in sitting around for 45 minutes waiting to be put on.
DAFFYD: We get brought here for 7 o'clock tha knows.
CALAMITY JANE: I know but I drive myself so I can come when I like
MOLLY: It's a long ol' job today Jane. Oi hent been put on yet and Oi've been here since korter to 7.
CALAMITY JANE: Sorry Molly, I know your driver picks you up early.
MOLLY: He's a horrible man, it make me savage. Shouldn't say the things to an old lady the way it do.
CALAMITY JANE: I know, Moll, you can can always request a different driver you know
(KEVIN starts to snore very loudly)
MOLLY: (conspiratorially) He's in a bad way today. Coughing up blood he was this morning.
CALAMITY JANE: Oh dear that's not good, I suppose he had a lot of fluid on did he?
MOLLY: Six litres! He's going to kill hisself if he carries on like that.
(Sister Mac comes over to Calamity Jane)
SISTER MAC: Morning dear, how are you?
CALAMITY JANE: I'm fine how are you? Dropped any fans on a patient lately?
SISTER MAC: OhAhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah not lately!
MOLLY: (speaking to Fred who is seated next to Calamity Jane) Oi can't believe they're putting her on before they put me on. She's only just got here!
FRED: Yes Molly but she does longer than you so she needs to get on before you
MOLLY: Oi've been waiting here since Oi got here to be put on
FRED: Yes, Molly but the drivers pick us up too early, Jane can drive herself
(Staff Nurse Cook comes over to Dolly)
MOLLY; (Sotto voce) It's about toime. Jane's just got here and they're putting her on already.
STAFF NURSE COOK: I know Moll, but she does 3½ hours and you only do 3 - you'll be off before her don't worry.
MOLLY: I knew her since she was born you know.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Yeah?
MOLLY: She grew up round the corner from where Oi lived. Her sister was my Terri's bridesmaid.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Oh? Anything good in your magazine today Molly?
MOLLY: Oh that bloody thing. Mortimer brings me that every toime. Says in there someone found her husband's thing in the drawer you know. Oi think they tell lies you know.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Someone's thing in a drawer? Is there a picture?
MOLLY: Oi think they make up them stories just so they can make some money. Whoever heard of such a thing? Oi think they tell lies you know.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Well you've been around for a while haven't you? What are you now? 91?
MOLLY: Yeah nointy-one.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Well you're doing really well then being on dialysis at 91.
MOLLY: When I first started I used to get through 3 changes of clothes. I used be sick and pee meself I was so ill.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Ah well you're alright now aren't you?
(Staff Nurse Wynn comes over with a cup of coffee for Molly)
STAFF NURSE WYNN: Hic! Ooops nearly spilled it then Molly!
MOLLY: Don't go spilling my coffee! I need that. I hent had a drink all weekend you know
(Sister Sailor bustles over to Daffyd)
SISTER SAILOR: I'm just going to measure your blood sugar, Daffyd.
DAFFYD: Oh I can tell you what it is, it's normal.
CALAMITY JANE: Oh yeah just like your temperature then Daffyd? Normal.
DAFFYD: Exactly. Normal.
SISTER SAILOR: Well it's 5.4 millimols
DAFFYD: Do I get a fruit pastille then?
SISTER SAILOR: No you're not low enough for that
DAFFYD: But I'm not allowed to drive if it's below 6
CALAMITY JANE: Just as well you're not driving today then eh? Like normal.
DAFFYD: Heh heh. I have to try. I'm not a man to complain, me.
KEVIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
(A strange screeching can be heard off in the wings)
FRED: Allo, the Queen's arrived
(Enter Carrie)
CARRIE: Morning everybody!
(A staggered chorus of "Morning Carrie" replies)
CARRIE: Morning Molly bolly, how are you
MOLLY: Oh I'm better than Kevin. (conspiratorially) He's in a bad way today. Coughing up blood he was this morning.
CARRIE: He had a lot of fluid on did he?
MOLLY: Six litres! He's going to kill hisself if he carries on like that.
CARRIE: Yeah
MOLLY: (Sotto voce) And they put Jane on before me and I was here ages before her. I knew her mother you know. Terrible frump, no dress sense
CALAMITY JANE: (mutters to Sister Mac) Yeah well it didn't stop your husband standing gawping at her through the fence and playing pocket billiards now did it, you mean old bag
MOLLY: (Smiling ingratiatingly over at CJ) I'll give 'er Molly Bolly. How is your Mum and Dad these days?
