I've been working on a little playette for your amusement for several days now, well not exactly days, a couple of hours here and there, you know. Anyway I've been been meaning for ages to tell you all about the dialogue that goes on day in day out at the dialysis unit in the mornings which is nigh on predictable. Truth is, playwriting seemed to be a doddle when I was teenager, but the sheer mechanics of this dialogue lark is taking some time so I've decided to present an unfinished version. You see the whole point was to say, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Urea?" And then provide the answer which is to Have A Kidney Transplant.
I'm having one. Next Tuesday, June 17th. Eeep.
So now, for one week only, here it is in all its truncated glory (and maybe I will explore the chararacters further for you at a later date. Or maybe not. Who knows? Who cares? I'm having a kidney transplant!):
D R A M A T I S...P E R S O N A E
The Patients
Calamity Jane (Our Hapless Heroine)
Mortimer (Master of the Dark)
Carrie (Baker of Cakes)
Ralf (Mucously Challenged)
Dieter (Mr Fidget)
Molly (Ninja Bingo Granny)
Dora (The Knitter)
Daffyd (The Gourmand)
Don (The Strong Silent Type)
Kevin (Denial Central)
Fred (The Epitome of Patience
The Staff
Sister Mac (Fountain of All Knowledge)
Sister Sailor (The Mighty Atom)
Staff Nurse Cook (Thomas' More Traveled Sister)
Staff Nurse Wynn (Lover of Fine Wines)
Others
Ron (Carrie's Brother)
Snorkel (The Cleaner)
Bed 8 (Bed of Doom)
ACT 1
(07:30 AM, a hospital ward. All the Patients except Calamity Jane and Carrie are seated on their hospital bed-chairs. Miscellaneous beeping, swooshing and mechanical noises can be heard. Staff can be seen bending over patients attending to their needs.
Calamity Jane enters stage left)
CALAMITY JANE: Morning everyone!
(a staggered chorus of "morning Jane" begins from everyone in the room)
DAFFYD: Morning Jane. Late again eh?
CALAMITY JANE: Well not really Daffyd, you know the unit doesn't actually open until 7:30. I don't see the point in sitting around for 45 minutes waiting to be put on.
DAFFYD: We get brought here for 7 o'clock tha knows.
CALAMITY JANE: I know but I drive myself so I can come when I like
MOLLY: It's a long ol' job today Jane. Oi hent been put on yet and Oi've been here since korter to 7.
CALAMITY JANE: Sorry Molly, I know your driver picks you up early.
MOLLY: He's a horrible man, it make me savage. Shouldn't say the things to an old lady the way it do.
CALAMITY JANE: I know, Moll, you can can always request a different driver you know
(KEVIN starts to snore very loudly)
MOLLY: (conspiratorially) He's in a bad way today. Coughing up blood he was this morning.
CALAMITY JANE: Oh dear that's not good, I suppose he had a lot of fluid on did he?
MOLLY: Six litres! He's going to kill hisself if he carries on like that.
(Sister Mac comes over to Calamity Jane)
SISTER MAC: Morning dear, how are you?
CALAMITY JANE: I'm fine how are you? Dropped any fans on a patient lately?
SISTER MAC: OhAhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah not lately!
MOLLY: (speaking to Fred who is seated next to Calamity Jane) Oi can't believe they're putting her on before they put me on. She's only just got here!
FRED: Yes Molly but she does longer than you so she needs to get on before you
MOLLY: Oi've been waiting here since Oi got here to be put on
FRED: Yes, Molly but the drivers pick us up too early, Jane can drive herself
(Staff Nurse Cook comes over to Dolly)
MOLLY; (Sotto voce) It's about toime. Jane's just got here and they're putting her on already.
STAFF NURSE COOK: I know Moll, but she does 3½ hours and you only do 3 - you'll be off before her don't worry.
MOLLY: I knew her since she was born you know.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Yeah?
MOLLY: She grew up round the corner from where Oi lived. Her sister was my Terri's bridesmaid.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Oh? Anything good in your magazine today Molly?
MOLLY: Oh that bloody thing. Mortimer brings me that every toime. Says in there someone found her husband's thing in the drawer you know. Oi think they tell lies you know.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Someone's thing in a drawer? Is there a picture?
MOLLY: Oi think they make up them stories just so they can make some money. Whoever heard of such a thing? Oi think they tell lies you know.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Well you've been around for a while haven't you? What are you now? 91?
MOLLY: Yeah nointy-one.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Well you're doing really well then being on dialysis at 91.
MOLLY: When I first started I used to get through 3 changes of clothes. I used be sick and pee meself I was so ill.
STAFF NURSE COOK: Ah well you're alright now aren't you?
(Staff Nurse Wynn comes over with a cup of coffee for Molly)
STAFF NURSE WYNN: Hic! Ooops nearly spilled it then Molly!
MOLLY: Don't go spilling my coffee! I need that. I hent had a drink all weekend you know
(Sister Sailor bustles over to Daffyd)
SISTER SAILOR: I'm just going to measure your blood sugar, Daffyd.
DAFFYD: Oh I can tell you what it is, it's normal.
CALAMITY JANE: Oh yeah just like your temperature then Daffyd? Normal.
DAFFYD: Exactly. Normal.
SISTER SAILOR: Well it's 5.4 millimols
DAFFYD: Do I get a fruit pastille then?
SISTER SAILOR: No you're not low enough for that
DAFFYD: But I'm not allowed to drive if it's below 6
CALAMITY JANE: Just as well you're not driving today then eh? Like normal.
DAFFYD: Heh heh. I have to try. I'm not a man to complain, me.
KEVIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
(A strange screeching can be heard off in the wings)
FRED: Allo, the Queen's arrived
(Enter Carrie)
CARRIE: Morning everybody!
(A staggered chorus of "Morning Carrie" replies)
CARRIE: Morning Molly bolly, how are you
MOLLY: Oh I'm better than Kevin. (conspiratorially) He's in a bad way today. Coughing up blood he was this morning.
CARRIE: He had a lot of fluid on did he?
MOLLY: Six litres! He's going to kill hisself if he carries on like that.
CARRIE: Yeah
MOLLY: (Sotto voce) And they put Jane on before me and I was here ages before her. I knew her mother you know. Terrible frump, no dress sense
CALAMITY JANE: (mutters to Sister Mac) Yeah well it didn't stop your husband standing gawping at her through the fence and playing pocket billiards now did it, you mean old bag
MOLLY: (Smiling ingratiatingly over at CJ) I'll give 'er Molly Bolly. How is your Mum and Dad these days?
20 Comments:
Transplant! Hurray!
I know it's not exactly minor surgery, but I've had worse, more than once, and not that long ago.
In 6 months time, you'll feel ... healthy. Invigorated. Free. No more canulas, no more dialysis, and you will be saying without regret goodbye to all that.
On the home stretch now. The hard part will be waiting. Once it's done, if 3-4 hours is what it takes, expect some depression at the 2-3 month post-op phase, and the last of the anaesthetic won't be out of your system much before October. Please take it easy on yourself, Ok?
My this is good news. Thanks for sharing it!
Nothing like a good pun.
Your play reminds me of Whose Life Is It Anyway?
Good luck with the surgery - it must be both daunting and terribly exciting.
Puss
Huwayy for transplarnt, but sendin ear hugs for the herty part!
Hope nerses ware hats.
Best nerses ware hats.
¬"
I've ended up feeling the dialysis unit, and this cast of characters, would work well for Ricky Gervais' next tv project.
Wonderful news about the transplant. And scary, I'd guess.
Wow, good luck!!! How very exciting... Will definitely be thinking of you this week.
xxx
This is such great news!
I loved the way you put this together...makes us appreciate the stuff you have to put up with day in day out.
Hugs
Dxxx
Hope it all went well. An hope yor not too sor. An hope yu hav evrything yu need.
Nose hugs!
(gentol wuns)
:@}
Hi and hope you are feeling better soon. Bob T. Bear sent me over with bear hugs, and I'm sending Yorkie love as well. Now, I'm going to go back and read more of your blog :)
Keep your spirits up - you do a remarkable job of that from what I've read and seen so far.
bye for now-
Becky
Hi CJ,
Was thinking of you and stopped by to welcome you back. I hope you pulled through with flying colors.
Jane!
Your hilarity never ceases to amaze me. They say laughter is the best medicine, so that makes you one helluva healer.
I hope that kidney is feeling right at home in your body, feeling like pitching in and doing some chores, like dealing with that urea problem.
LOVE from New Mexico...
Just popped over from Bob's blog to wish you a speedy recovery and 'happy new kidney'
Calamity Jane
I'm a fwiend of Bob T beaw's and He sent me ovew to wish you well..Mommi's best fwiend had a kidney twansplant, and she's as good as new..hope evewything goes well fow you..I will cwoss my paws and say a pwayew and send some tewwiew zen
smoochie kisses
ASTA
I'm sending you so many good vibes and prayers and blessings. I love your blog and am going to link to it. Hope you don't mind since you are busy with other things KIDNEY TRANSPLANT Cannot get that song out of my head How do you solve a problem like Urea?I keep seeing Nuns rushing about the abbey singing it . Love sandy via Bob t Bear ESQ
Ello, I pray that the transplant is going to help you in gaining a better health. Enduring the operation and etc sound tough indeed but I hope that they're helping you to gain a new found freedom in life. =) May you recover fast and be surrounded by warm people who'll support you. I wish you peace. Love, Stardust via b.t.bear(esq.)
Hullo! It's been a week an a bit an I hope yu ar on the mend!! I'm sendin lots ov nose hugs.
Mummy told me not to worry as her Godmother had a liver trarnsplarnt an iz all better an well now.
But I do worry cos yor my frend! An Grayum worrys too cos yu sent him Golden Grahams :@D
I hope yu hav yor lukky pants wiv yu!
:@}
Oh my goodness Jane, I am so sorry that I missed this news until now! (Not very good at keeping p with blogs of late)
That's fantastic news! I hope the transplant went well, for both of you. I wish you both a speedy recovery.
I love the script by the way! I think we all know a Molly don't we? :)
A soft ' Hi '... It's been sometime and I hope that things are getting on fine, may the transplant be a success. It'll be really good to hear you crack your whip loud again. Meanwhile, take things slowly and I wish you a fine recovery. Hugs...
Hi babe. Just stopping by in search of a progress report. I realize, however, that a kidney transplant is major business. Not something you bounce right back to the keyboard from.
LOVE from New Mexico.
xx
Just checking in, with Hugs.
Hi! It's been more than a month, and I surely hope that things are fine with you... A gentle hug... God bless.
Post a Comment