A geek tragedy

In the old days before Britannia ruled the waves, even before William the Conqueror pitched up in Pevensey Bay, man's world was ruled by a group of megalomaniacs living on Mount Olympus.

In those days, Zeus, overlord of Olympus, was quite the deity-about-town. In fact no Naiad, Dryad, high priestess or mortal woman was safe from his wandering hands. His current squeeze, was a sea nymph by the name of Merope. Zeus thought so much of her that when she fell gravely ill he gave her one of his own kidneys.

Now when Hera, Zeus' wife and sister (eeeuw) heard about this she flew into a terrible jealous rage, she was used to his little peccadilloes but giving away his kingly kidney really takes the biscuit. Hera captured Merope and chained her to some rusty bedsprings that were teetering on the edge of a high precipice clinging to the side of Mount Olympus.

For 3 weeks Merope was chained there, terrified that she might fall and damage the precious gift that Zeus had given her. All the while Hera pelted her with with strong tablets, her friends and family came to see her to offer comfort but poor Merope was too delirious to hear them. When Merope's loved ones had finally gone away, Hera sent her pet cuckoo to slash Merope's belly open to expose the kidney. The cuckoo tried to peck the organ out but the kidney was sewn in beyond its reach.

Hera didn't like the mess that Merope's exposed innards were making on the bedsprings so she decided to torture Merope with a device instead. Hera ordered that Merope should have a vacuum pump that weighed 5 lbs connected to her wound to suck out Merope's life. For 8 weeks Merope could see her life ebbing away through the 10 foot hose that connected her belly to the pump.

She almost gave up. She told her best friend from work what a terrible time she was having and what dark thoughts she was entertaining, maybe her friend would stay a while and keep her company, keep her sane. Alas the friend went away and never came back. But Zeus kissed her forehead and whispered to her to be strong. And she was.

After the 2 months of torture, capricious Hera grew bored and cut Merope loose. Asclepius tended to her wounds every day and will continue to do so until she is strong in body and mind again.

She's almost there.