I christened my left big toe Phil Oakey today. Not you understand because it's being getting any love action of course, it's because somehow during a freak accident with the toenail clippers I managed to cut it so one side is a good quarter of an inch lower than the other side. I'm really bummed over this as I have a really hot pink nail polish that looks terrific on toenails. Maybe I should plant a story in Heat! magazine that wonky toenails are de rigeur in WAGland.
Anyway it was a fitting end to a week that started with me committing a quadruple murder (I really must find out how to add sound effects to this page, in my head the Deadwood Saloon's tinny pianny that plays when I'm here just stopped playing when I wrote that). Muhrrdah!
I arrived at the dialysis unit last Saturday to discover that a guy who I shall refer to as Private Joe Walker after the spiv in Dad's Army, had acquired 30 live lobsters and was selling them - 3 for a tenner. I hummed & hahed for a couple of hours before deciding that I would buy some. I've never tried lobster as it's always been too expensive so this seemed like a good opportunity.
Anyway Pvt Walker was finished before me so he bagged up the lobsters and one of the nurses stowed them in my car for me.
All the way home there was an agitated rustling coming from the back seat and when I arrived home I discovered that he'd given me 4 of the little blighters. Or should I say big blighters. Big lively blighters.
Gulp! I don't think I'll be able to go through with this!
I gave myself a stern talking to and decided that I wouldn't jump in the car again and drive off to Cromer to set them free - dammit I was going to cook them. All the same I felt so sorry for those cute little chaps - Claude, Klaus, Claudette & Claudia - I decided that while the water was boiling I would make them comfortable in a big bucket of rain water that was in the back garden. I even added some salt and played some Benjamin Britten to try and make them feel at home.
Apparently that was the worst thing I could have done for them (the rainwater not the Britten); it hastened their demise so I was spared the horror of lowering wriggling creatures into scalding water while bawling my eyes out and screeching "I'M SOOOO SOOORRRY!!!!" as each one went in.
I will never be the same again, I didn't think I had the capacity to deliberately kill something. Now I know I do ...
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Listen to the voice of Buddha
at 7:22 pm
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5 Comments:
Oh my goodness, how awful! I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. How can you eat sea food? It's disgusting!
Seriously though, I don't think I could ever kill anything either. I remember when I was a kid having dead... all sorts... hanging around the kitchen, ready to be cooked and eaten. It's no wonder I spent most of my teenage years as a vegetarian. Our pet goat was nice though...
Yeah, but did they taste good?
Puss
Mrs Woman - I love most seafood, can't abide anything rubbery like mussels or octopus though. I'm not the kind of person who thinks food magically arrives in M&S hence my even having a go at cooking my own clawsome foursome.
Puss - I was too distressed over the whole adventure so not having much of an appetite I only tried a couple of fragments before deciding that I didn't like it. Capt Scarlet ate 2 and I gave the other 2 to my Dad who really enjoyed them. I haven't totally ruled it out - maybe if Rick Stein were to cook it for me it would be lovely.
OMG I'm sore with laughing . . . I could just picture you saving your good-byes. I adore sea food but I could never have done the deathly deed myself! Pleased you are back with us x x x
CJ, as someone who has done a bit of research into Artificial and Natural Intelligence, maybe I can put your mind at rest.
Lobsters are thick. Not thick as in "thick as a snake", I mean "thick as a programmable dishwasher".
You could replace a Spiny Lobster's brain with perhaps 20 quids worth of electronics, and it would behave just the same.
I am very much against cruelty to animals, but lobsters have not a great deal more intellect than bacteria. Comparable with slugs.
Next time, put them in the freezer for 20 minutes beforehand. They won't feel a thing - literally.
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