The importance of being Kipling

A handbag (a hyandbag??) is a girl's best friend. I personally favour Kipling bags, they're not to everyone's taste I know, some of them can be downright ugly and I do find the stuffed monkey keyrings somewhat annoying but mostly they suit me and my requirements. They're rugged, roomy and not at all poncey like some designer bags and the fact that mine, black to suit my normal mood, is called Morrisey is a bonus.

I did a quick inventory today and this is what I came up with:

2 pens - you can never find a pen when you need one
1 pencil - in case the pens run out
2 pad of Post It notes - a must. A folded note also doubles as dental floss but those paper cuts are a bitch
1 RAF ID card
1 USAF ID card - see if you can figure that one out
1 mobile phone - which never rings, perhaps I should give the number here 09052 302301. Call me!
1 purse - absolutely crammed with moolah (NOT!)
3 surgical dressings
1 tape measure - in case I need to take any inside leg measurements
1 comb - so I can tidy up before offering the above service
1 lipgloss - ditto
1 perfume atomiser - sigh, ditto, I think it has Prada inside but I've rinsed and refilled it so often with different scents that it's taken on its own unique fragrance, Essence of Pussmuk as my Dad would say.
1 tourniquet - extremely useful object, perhaps I should do a 101-things-you-can-do-with-a-tourniquet post
1 pair of binoculars - handy for when something interesting passes the office window, the last cool sighting was an An-124 in this 'ere livery.
1 pair of ear plugs (see above)
1 USB 1Gb flash drive - floppy is such a bad look
1 Red Dwarf novel - I hate being caught with smeg-all to read when I'm waiting for something or someone
1 small drum of toxic waste - yup, you read that right, toxic waste. You can buy it at Woollies, I'm not sharing mine with anyone

So what's in yours?

Beachcombing

Apologies for the dearth of posts lately, I've been lazy, miserable and uninspired this last week. I started on Xenical, the weight loss wonder drug, last Saturday and have experienced a few problems but I've lost at least a pound so hurrah!

We went to Great Yarmouth today, the Blackpool of the East Anglian coast and had a stroll along the beach. I've mentioned before that I like to pick up stones and shells washed up along the shore, but just lately my interest has been taken by sea glass - tiny chunks of glass worn smooth by the action of the sea. I netted quite a haul today including 2 interesting pieces of safety glass that had the reinforcement wires running through them.

I also came across a couple of pieces of thin, white china. I like to fancy that they came from the Titanic and have been washed all this way by Poseidon and his nereids in order to bring them home. They're slightly off course as they've missed Liverpool completely but I like the thought anyway.

Brave New World

How things change. I just received the rejection notification for the job I applied for a couple of weeks ago - Freelance Features Writer for the local paper - by email. Surprisingly I'm not dejected by it, I'm rather amused ... email hah! I last applied for a different job at the turn of the last century when they send the thanks, but no thanks letters through the post. So quaint!

Shake, rattle 'n' roll

My doctor wonders why I always resist having new drugs added to my collection. He thinks it's because I believe my body is a temple, frankly it's because I lack the kitchen space. I have a whole kitchen drawer given over to storing the blessed things, that's not to mention the drawer next my bed for the nighttime drugs or the salad drawer in the fridge full of stuff that requires refrigeration.


Every morning whilst assembling my assortment of medical miracles I have a scene from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert go through my head. It's the one where Bernadette and Mitzy are sitting having breakfast at a picnic table in the middle of the Australian outback. Something of a surreal scene anyway but then you see what's in Bernadette's bowl - it's full of pills and she's coyly downing them one by one.

Finally it has happened to me ...

The Red Planet

No-one would have believed in the early years of the 21st century that Martian affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No-one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.


Interesting tidbit from BBC news http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/6363243.stm

A wink and a curtsey to H.G. Wells and Jeff Wayne

Driving miss crazy

What is it with motorists today? Are they hungover on cheap pink champagne? Overcome by the fumes of a googoplex of red roses? High on serotonin and feeling invincible after scoffing all those chocolates?

I have had so much bad car karma today it's unbelievable. Maybe that should read good car karma as I'm still here tapping away to tell you about it. I've been cut up on roundabouts, overtaken on bends, had motorized cherry pickers pull out in front of me at the cheek rippling speed of 3 mph and then stop dead leaving me stranded blocking a roundabout.

The dialysis unit is tacked on the back of the main hospital and is accessible down a little side road which forms a T junction with the main access road down the side of the hospital. People park down the entire length of this road which makes it rather narrow - they park there as the main car parks are run by people with wooden legs and patches over their eyes clonking about going "Arrrrgh!" all the time ... but that's the NHS for you you might get free treatment but you're gonna need a private nose job after paying through it for all the parking.

Anyway whenever I come out of the dialysis access road I always pause behind the first parked car on the main road to allow anyone coming up the road to come through. Today there was a Bedford-type van coming up and there definitely wasn't room for both of us to pass so discretion being the better part of valour I let him come up.

He indicated right to come into the little road that I had just left and stopped effectively blocking me in. Never mind a wave of thanks or anything, his mate in the passenger seat started jabbing his finger in the direction of their turn - ug ug ug ug ug ug jab jab jab jab - he evidently thought they didn't have enough room to get through but for smeg's sake they were driving a Bedford van not the frickin' QE2. Duuuuuhhh until you move I can't get out you twat.

Ooooh ripe Anglo Saxon expletives!!

Whole lotta love

I'm rather proud of the fact that my husband doesn't buy into Hallmark Day, I mean Valentine's Day. I'm rather glad that he won't be coming home tonight looking sheepish and clutching a manky bunch of roses from the garage down the road - just because he felt he had to.

He shows his affection for me in other more practical ways throughout the year. Getting up early to defrost my car, for example, when I have to leave the house an hour before he does or warming my gloves on the radiator on a frosty morning mean far more to me than a heart shaped box of chocolates.

Putting my cynicism to one side I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day - love to all.

A little stiff

Viagra goes on sale over the counter at Boots tomorrow - 50 quid is a little hard er, to swallow.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6351171.stm

A star is born

For all his newly acquired Dougalphiles out there (and I swore to myself that this wasn't going to be a cat blog) here's the boy and his sister on their first night home.



Getting hairier (the cats that is, not the hired help)



Relaxing on the slave's pillow



Well it does say Cat on the box

Space cadet

Dougal, call sign 'Fluffbomb', sits comfortably on his bed of CJ's unmentionables but no matter how hard he concentrates he just can't make sense of the words in this book.

Food for thought

They look after us really well at the dialysis unit, we're fed and watered regularly throughout the treatment starting with tea & toast for breakfast, tea & biscuits at 10am and then sandwiches just before we leave.

Apparently some of our sandwiches have been disappearing somewhere between the kitchen and the unit, one of the theories postulated is that the porters might be pinching them and selling them (a jokey theory, not an actual accusation I should add for fear of being sued by an angry porter!).

Just imagine, a thriving black market for NHS sandwiches - who'd'a thunk it?

The Laminator

He arrived in a blinding ball of light, naked and beautiful. He turned and saw me open mouthed in astonishment, he strode down the hall towards me giving me the chance to admire him in his birthday suit which was tailored to perfection, hugging his every curve and muscle.

“Come with me if you want to live in a home free of dust mites and fleas burrowing into your carpets” he said

“Oh you’ve come to fit the new floor in the cloakroom?” I gasped

“Affirmative”

He is The Laminator

He was bad to the bone “Er, you might want to put some pants on unless you want your John Connor getting caught in the snap ‘n’ click joints” I said helpfully, half hoping that he would stay just as he was. He thought that over for a moment and said ominously “I’ll be back”.

A few moments later he returned carrying his arsenal of Homebase antiqued oak laminate boards. He looked so dangerous in his leather trousers and his black Ray Bans and dangerous he was as he blundered about in the windowless room whilst wearing sunglasses.

“Stick around” he grinned at me. “Wrong movie" I replied, "but OK I’ll just go and put the kettle on shall I?”

I barricaded myself in the kitchen and hunkered down at the kitchen table with my Cyberdyne laptop and a mug of PG Tips – I wanted to run a virus scan, my Skynet ISP was letting through far too much malicious logic for my liking.

In the next room I could hear a colossal battle going on as The Laminator fought with corners and pedestals and pipes, the rise and fall of the machines’ motors as they clashed with medium density fibreboard.

Eventually there was silence then a dusty figure burst through door, it was done, the Laminator had once more prevailed. He smiled a toothy grin and gave me a thumbs up as he retreated back down the hall “Hasta la vista, baby”

Pistils at dawn

I need to have a word with the man in charge of the weather. What are you thinking? Giving us warm weather in January and now ultra cold conditions?!

While I was out doing my rounds yesterday I spotted a daisy blooming in the grass, the laurels have bundles of new growth pushing up and my pieris has bright red new shoots on it. The temperature here this morning was -6C - all those poor plants lulled into a false sense of spring are going to have their little botanical nuts frozen off.

It's just not cricket.

The pursuit of happiness

As I hinted yesterday, I went back to work this week. I don't know why I bothered really because apart from a couple of hundred emails of the look, raise your eyebrows in disbelief and delete variety, I had nothing to do all day.

You see the Captain, in my absence, is homesteading. For those unfamilar with the term it essentially means that she's trying to takeover. I now have half as much to do as I had before she joined us.

I'm fairly sure she thinks she's doing me a favour but she is not. I had all my programs running smoothly, I knew percisely where every document was, my tracking records were immaculate. Now I'm sharing my tracker with her and my information has holes in it. It's all gone to heck in a handbasket. Blimey I'm talking like her now. I even said at the KFC tonight, "I'll have that to go please" rather than saying "takeaway". Puhlease!!!

I'm very unhappy working on the base, apart from the boredom, the prospects and the diabolical pay I feel quite vulnerable in today's political climate and I've developed a pressing need to put some distance between myself and George Dubbya's band of merrie men

So what to do? It's time for me to spread my wings and follow my dreams. I'm considering applying for another job away from the base, away from the MOD. It would take a minor miracle for me to actually get it but Captain Marvel (who by the way is unhappy with his moniker and henceforth wishes to be referred to as Captain Scarlet) believes in me so it's time I started believing in myself.

Today has been cancelled due to lack of interest

I'm going back to work today. Ugh.

Smells like teen spirit

I need to enlist the help of all you ladies (any guys reading can consider themselves honorary ladies only without all the monthly hormone surges and all that goes with them).

You may recall from my previous post that I absolutely loathe the scent of musk. Well, by a strange coincidence, upon my return from the dialysis unit today I discovered on my doorstep a little gift box of Body Shop Musk. By a process of elimination I have concluded that it must have been left there by sister-in-law F because my mother-in-law is far too cheap to get me something like that just for being poorly, besides she brought me 2 perfectly good jigsaws from the charity shop last week, and SIL M gave me an identical gift box for Christmas.

I am at the point where I feel I really need to say something. For one thing these kind and very sweet girls are wasting their money buying me something that's going to end up down the charity shop. For another I'm fed up with my Christmas presents ending up down the charity shop.

A few years ago I confided to SIL F that I hated the smell of musk. At this point she hadn't ever bought me any, it was her mother who was the main culprit buying me Jovan Musk all the time. I fully expected word to get back to MIL if not the other SIL. Well MIL seemed to stop buying it for me but I ended up with musk from both SILs for Christmas.

One year I took a set back to the Body Shop for exchange but the assistant said it wasn't worth anything because they hadn't had that particular gift set in for a couple of years. So to add insult to injury I'm obviously getting my SIL's cast-offs because she doesn't like it either!

So, what do I do, say something or smile sweetly and quietly flog it off on Ebay?

The 39 steps

Due to the fact that I've been a recluse for the last 2 weeks or so, I have very little to write about so I thought I'd do a 39 Things About Me list - one for each birthday. I know these things are incredibly narcissist but can't you say that about all us bloggers?

1. I played the clarinet at school. One of the great regrets of my life is that I flogged mine to pay for driving lessons.
2. I bought my first house when I was 18.
3. My favourite fragrance is Van Cleef by Van Cleef and Arpels.
4. My least favourite fragrance is musk. One whiff makes me want to heave yet each Christmas my mother-in-law or one of my sisters-in-law will buy me some despite me having actually told one of my SILs that I hate it!!
5. I'm pretty good at improvisation (like what they do on Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
6. I used to be a lifeguard.
7. My favourite food is funnel cake. Freshly cooked doughnuts will do instead at a pinch.
8. I hate coffee.
9. I paid off the mortgage on my third house 2 years ago.
10. Although I love cats, every knick-knack, calendar, picture, card, mug does not have to be cat themed.
11. I'm fascinated by plants and trees but I'm a terrible gardener.
12. My best physical feature must be my eyelashes. They're very long and dark - I'm frequently asked if they're real.
13. I grew up in a house with the number 13. Never did me any harm, ahem.
14. My favourite flowers are sunflowers and lilies. Roses in my opinion are overrated.
15. I've had 12 surgical operations.
16. I consistently score highly on internet IQ tests, according to them with my IQ I must be a genius but of course I take that with a pinch of salt.
17. My other nickname is Maverick. I haven't got a clue why.
18. My favourite alcoholic drink is vodka, freshly squeezed lime juice and slimline tonic, all preferably frozen until slushy. My favourite soft drink is actually sparkling spring water.
19. I have a poster signed by all the boys at Orange County Choppers.
20. I collect russian dolls and camels. My favourite doll is only about 3.5 inches high but she has 9 others inside her with the smallest being the size of a coffee bean.
21. I can speak a little Polish, Russian, and German. I used to be very good at French at school but I've never had the opportunity to use it since.
22. I have an odd ornament on my book shelf - it's an upper engine mounting bolt from an F-15E engine.
23. The first place I ever visited outside the UK was New Zealand. We flew in a Boeing 767 and had to refuel 3 times before we got there. It took almost 36 hours and almost put me off air travel for life.
24. I've been to the US of A 7 times, twice to California, 5 times to Florida.
25. My favourite colour is purple but I've learned that it looks terrible on me and on my walls.
26. My favourite authors are Patricia Cornwell and Thomas Harris.
27. My favourite movie is Space Cowboys.
28. I've had 17 jobs - the longest time with one employer is 7 years, the shortest is 4 hours.
29. My favourite album of all time has to be Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of The Worlds.
30. I almost met Richard Branson once, it was after the worst Virgin flight we'd ever had (lads behind us were beyond intoxicated and were still being given booze)and Mr Branson had been on the same flight. He scurried off (and I mean scurried) as we were trying to catch him to complain.
31. I hate watching sport and listening to people discussing it.
32. I've 'flown' in Boeing 747 and F-15 training simulators.
33. I've fed blue mau-mau on frozen peas.
34. I was in the school choir.
35. Whenever I visit the beach I have to come home with either pebbles or seashells or holy of holies, sea glass - pieces of glass worn smooth by the sea.
36. Whenever I have boiled eggs I have to puncture the empty shells to stop the witches sailing away in them.
37. I've wrestled an alligator. OK so it was only about 10" long and it wasn't really wrestling ...
38. I passed my driving test first time.
39. I rebuilt and restored a 1973 VW Beetle (not ALL by myself of course)

Today I will be mostly choosing the cactus

Just a quick cut and paste jobbie today rather than a lengthy discourse on things close to my heart ie me. Despite the fact that I chose this picture because I love sunsets and saguaro cacti, I think this actually sums me up quite accurately.

Your Personality Profile

You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth. While you may not be a total hippie... You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around. You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure. However, you do put some thought behind all your actions. Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!

http://www.blogthings.com/worldsshortestpersonalitytest/">The World's Shortest Personality Test

The code seems to be cracked (ha ha) and takes you to a different page, here's the cypher (good job I test these things innit?):

http://www.blogthings.com/worldsshortestpersonalitytest/

Sad Dragon

I had my first unsupervised outing since my surgery today. I took a walk down to visit the giant who is holding the high street of our small town in a full-nelson and squeezing the life out of it ... Tesco in other words. It's only a 10 minute walk so I wrapped up well and headed off.

I only needed a couple of things, basically I only went out to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I was queuing at the cigarette kiosk because it was quicker than going through the main tills, I looked over at the papers and was horrified to see on the front page of the local paper a news story about someone from my squadron. He's been jailed for 2 years.

I can't remember how long ago it was but I know the investigations have been running for some time, this man was involved in a car accident which left 2 people dead. It was a head on collision, from what little I know about it, he was overtaking another car when he smashed into a car coming in the opposite direction. I don't believe this was reckless driving but more a serious error in judgement by a man unfamilar with our roads while driving a lefthand drive vehicle - he had his own family in the car with him at the time and his wife was seriously injured.

I feel desperately sorry for the loss of a mother and her daughter. Nothing can mitigate that loss and I'm not sure sending a decent man to jail for 2 years balances the books.

Discuss?

PS Sad Dragon because my squadron is called the Green Dragons. Although a lot of them piss me off from time to time I am fiercely loyal to them and consider myself the Dragon Den Mother.

Worshipping at the Temple of 3BT

I promised Clare a couple of months ago that I would try harder with the 3BT concept, so here goes.

1. My house is tidy because my parents-in-law have threatened to visit. MIL does not subscribe to my housework doctrine of clean enough to be healthy, untidy enough to be happy. She hoovers every day, cleans her oven every week and I suspect that she even polishes her apples. I cleared up the clutter but didn't manage to vacuum as the vacuum cleaner was upstairs and I can't manage it down the stairs one-handed. They just had to sit in squalor.

2. My parents -in-law arrived an hour later than they said they would.

3. My parents-in-law leaving.